Saturday, December 29, 2012

Yuletide Bundling: Xanax for the Holidays

What a magical time we are experiencing!  Laughter, good will, and cheer abound!  For some of us, however, this bright and jolly juncture brings about a nasty mental health disorder called Traumatic Wassail Associative Syndrome (TWAS). Susceptibility indicators to TWAS include the propensity to procrastinate, normative disorganization, and being (and/or acting as) a blonde.   I, unfortunately, possess all of the precursors.  The holiday season bites me in the rosy-cheeked ass every year. Like a stealthy, jingling ninja it arrives, finding me on my sugar plum potty with my red and white striped tights still down around my knees. It pounces upon me and beats the ever loving Fah La shit out of me. For approximately twelve days, I run frantic. Open houses and luncheons consume my day planner. I have gifts for coworkers, friends, and family to buy and staff Christmas parties to plan. Shopping, decorating, wrapping, shopping, decorating, wrapping, to infinity. The season becomes a red and green blur. I ushered in the 2012 Post Christmas Epoch regaining consciousness behind the festive deer display in the front yard. My husband Tom said when he found me I was mumbling incoherently reindeer games, story telling elves, and naughty lists as he led me to the bed.  I slept for 12 hours. Okay, most of what I just said was a lie, but I did sleep for 12 hours.  Extreme fatigue is a classic symptom in the postictal stage of TWAS.

I am way too old to brave Chaotic Candy Cane Lane for yet another year, and I believe that my proclivity for TWAS can be managed with a few simple steps.  I have developed a plan; a sure fire approach to keeping the celebratory season in perspective and reduce the risk of full blown TWAS.  I am calling it Yuletide Bundling, patents pending. Simply stated, it’s multitasking on eggnog-flavored steroids. The course of action begins with an awareness of what must be done, grouping said assignments, memorizing the season’s to do list for immediate recall, and seizing opportunities to get several projects completed at once.  Below are three ways I am convinced Yuletide Bundling will make my 2013 Noel TWAS free.  Being the public servant that I am, I am sharing the brilliance with you, so you too can enjoy peace on earth in the upcoming year.

Absolute Merchandising Excursions

Why spend hours researching the perfect holiday photo idea, corralling screaming children and undisciplined relatives for the actual shoot? While you are shopping with your loved ones, find a beautifully decorated Christmas display in your favorite superstore, pose your kith and kin to hide price tags, whip out your cell phone, and voi-la!
Instant holiday greeting card! As you wait in the check out line, come up with a catchy, heartwarming salutation and group email it to family and friends. Shopping, greeting cards created and sent. Off, off and away, TWAS!

Hop, Stock, and Carol

As you event hustle, collect stocking stuffers. During the office holiday party, sneak into supply closet. Who wouldn't want colorful paper clips, binder clips, and packs of sticky notes on Christmas morning? Church plays are also a great place to gather little gifts. Everyone who attends gets a treat bag...duh. Bring your anorexic friends, and get extra bags of goodies!  Parades create new opportunities for gift gathering. Bring your eco-friendly shopping bag and fight those little kids for the thrown candy. Finally, give chore cards in stocking for Yule time clean up. Result: little Timmy gets a ream of paper, a pack of Juicy Fruit peppermint gum, candy canes with a hint of asphalt, and a card that says, "you have been selected to vacuum stray tinsel strands out of the carpet." In review, you attended the office party, a church play, and a parade, all while collecting free stocking stuffers. Not to mention the fact that you took care of subsequent festivities clean up, all while remaining friendly to the environment. TWAS be gone!

North Pole Parole

Use community service workers for exterior decorating. They need the hours, and you need the help.
It's a win-win. While you are all toasty and warm baking gingersnaps behind a locked door, workers decorate the largest tree in your front yard, hang garland from eave to eave, and create a rooftop winter wonderland.  You will most definitely take the top prize for the best holiday home in the neighborhood.  TWAS eradication!

I am so ready for TWAS-free Yule time celebrations 2013!  Bring it, Cringle!

A. Ballerina