Snow-pocalypse*

Being trapped in Snow-pocalypse* is not one of the things I enjoy.  It seems that central North Carolina has fallen prey to Nasty La Niña, and today marks the third wintry event of the season.  I was definitely created for a much more amicable climate.  Unlike people who apparently can “make the best” of any frozen situation, I loath being inconvenienced by the weather, not to mention that being cold just makes me damned mean.  While neighbors are building Norman Rockwell winter wonderland villages in their yards and posting bundled up children’s rosy cheeks on Facebook, I am binge-eating to soothe my homicidal tendencies.

Not one to sleet on anyone’s glacial parade, but let us be realistic.  Doesn’t anyone have a job to worry about?  Deadlines?  Reports due?  Appointments for Botox injections?  Apparently not.  They are too busy sledding and snowball fighting to worry about paying the huge ass power bill they will inevitably receive next month, or to fret over the impending formation of uber crow’s-feet, I’m just saying….

I have so tried to be a fun-loving snow bunny.  My last attempt occurred in February, 2010 when Tom and I took the oldest two of our blended crew skiing in the mountains.  In preparation, I researched Vail fashion and bought an incredible pair of teal snow bibs, which matched my fake blue eyes and complimented my unnaturally blonde locks.  I created and expressed excitement for the kids’ sake, hoping I would take naturally to the slopes.  Yeah, right.  With no coordination and a mantis-like frame, “thinking positively” sky-rocketed to the level of “freakin’ delusional.”  The mountain condo was tiny, the snow never stopped, the temperature never reached freezing, and the cutting, Arctic wind never stopped blowing.  Skiing, was, you guessed it, not my forte.  A natural skier, I am NOW told, has a low center of gravity, which my almost 6’ frame does not possess.  Maybe this is why we never see NBA players on the slopes.  I posed for several photographs and took some forced ones of Tom, Paul and Jessie, before heading for the lodge bar.  By golly, no one has to know how miserable we were.  With the proper editing, the 2010 Ski Extravaganza in photo review will make my Facebook friends envious.  Ah ha…perhaps that is what all my winter-loving neighbors and virtual friends are doing...creating the illusion of frosty happiness.  And I will judge them not.  Producing a false or misleading impression of reality without the use of psychotropic drugs is an art.

In an effort to look on the sunny side of things, here are five helpful, good-to-know tips for your outdoor winter activities I learned from my alpha and omega ski trip:

1.)     No one can look thin in ski bibs without the magic of airbrushing.

2.)     Inside, good.  Outside, bad.

3.)    There really isn’t bourbon in a mountain rescue dogs’ barrel. They actually don’t carry barrels…anywhere on their bodies, and they definitely don’t like for you to check.  Sorry, Bernie, my bad.

4.)    When the ski shop employee at the condominium complex calls the local police department to ask for current weather conditions, and gets no answer…It is not a good omen.

5.)    Waterproof mascara will not survive wind gusts in excess of 40 miles an hour, no matter how much you paid for it.  Wearing it is pointless, anyway.  People cannot see your lusciously, long lashes because your swollen, snot-covered, red nose takes first dibs for attention.

1. Ballerina

*Stolen Term - Thanks, Melanie, via Brice, via Carter